Sunday, November 22, 2009

Confucius say, "Shit happens."

Kensington doesn't get the concept of daylight saving time, weekends or holidays. She has her own little internal clock that doesn't come with a snooze button - I would have to say this is the only true drawback to parenthood.

While we'd like to stay up past 9:30pm on Friday and Saturday nights, we know that when 6:00 - 6:30am comes around, little Miss Sunshine will up and ready to start her day, and she doesn't care if we have matching Louis Vuitton luggage under our eyes. So, it came to quite a surprise the other Saturday when at 6:30 in the morning, we were not being summoned into Kensi's play-palace. My heart started to race. “Oh God, did something happen?” I reached for the monitor and put my ear to it. Okay, I could hear her breathing. All is well. I rolled over and shut my eyes, thinking that this is going to be a wonderful weekend.

Unfortunately, not being able to sleep-in for the past 11 months (has it been that long?), I tossed and turned for the next 30 minutes. It was no use. I wasn’t going to be able to get back to sleep. I might as well go and start the coffee and check Facebook while Sleeping Beauty is getting her rest. A few moments later, I run upstairs and grab the monitor so I can have it by me she when she does wake up, I can go and be the first one to give her morning kisses (Chris and I fight for this privilege). I still hear her breathing, so all is well. Maybe I will sneak in watch her sleep for a little bit. I open the door, and to my surprise, through the dark I can see the top of Kensington’s head peeking up over the cribs frame. She is sitting up with her back to the door. “I wonder how longs she’s been up?” I think to myself. She hears me and turns around with her hands raising up for me to lift her. Before I my eyes can adjust to the darkness, I grab her. “Holy mother of Jesus…” I scream.

Chris has now jumped out of bed. Kensi had an EXPLOSIVE diaper that leaked out of her bedtime onesie. I start to hurl. I’m gagging and I’m holding her by her armpits. Instead of running to the bathroom across the hall and putting her in the tub, I run downstairs with her to put her in her infant bathtub that was in the kitchen. I put her on the floor while the water is running and warming up. She wants to stand… no, she actually wants to climb on my leg. “Oh no you don’t!” I have my foot out preventing her from climbing up on me. This is not want she wants, and she lets me know how unhappy she is.

Chris now enters the room. He turns and gags. “Chris, grab her.”

“You want me to gr….” And he hurls. “Chris, there’s shit coming out of her onsie.” Tears start streaming down his face and he’s laughing and vomiting at the same time. I grab her by the shoulders and head towards him. “Open up the trash bin.”. Chris steps on the level and the stainless steel doors open. We start peeling away the saturated poo material clinging to her back, thighs and legs. “Just throw the outfit away,” but instead Chris puts it in a plastic bag so he can wash it. Really?!?! It wasn’t worth saving. Now it’s time to peel away the useless diaper. “What, you want to save that too?” He wasn’t laughing. Kensington was, but Chris wasn’t. We then pluck her from the bin into the tub and start filling it with water. I know this is not the order that one normally baths an infant, but under the circumstances, we’d be more than happy explain the situation to the department of child protective services. The water quickly turns brown. I pick Kensi up and we empty the tub and start all over again. The good thing is, she loves bath time. So, with her pink ducky in one hand, and her baby alligator in the other, she splashes about and we suds her up and spray her off. We have to empty the tub again. Water cascades across the counter, down the drawers, and onto the floor. Duncan is there to lick it up. We then we suds her up one last time and spray her off. Now she’s squeaky clean.

So much for thinking that this is going to be a wonderful weekend. :)


s said...

for real LOL!!! i know that it's not, but this post was SOOOO funny. btw, where has the time gone?!?! you will be the parents of a one-year-old in about a month! sigh...

Malea said...

BLOW OUTS are never predictable, but always leave a lasting

Johnny and Darren said...

Oh boys your post has made me laugh!

Explosive diapers!!!

2momswithaplan said...

Haha! Great post!!!

Jen said...

Oh man, have I ever been there! There have been many a time that I looked at the onesie and thought, "That cost $7.00. Would I pay $7.00 to have someone else do this?" The answer was inevitably, a resounding "yes!" -- and into the trash went the clothing.

And once (and only once) my dear husband actually vomited on our son. Ever since then, I know he wasn't lying when he said he was poop-phobic!

Great post!

Ken Hudson said...

This post is hilarious. Brings back so many memories. And it is just the beginning for you. Next is the terrible two's, then the horrible three's, before you know it, she will be a teenager. Wanting her independence(but still very dependent on you). And then college, and you will be scratching your head asking yourself, where did all the time go? It seemed like just yesterday I was changing that EXPLOSIVE diaper.
Enjoy every moment you can with her, it will go by so much faster than you can ever imagine.
All the best,

Sheila said...

I love it!!! You guys never fail to make me laugh...By the way how did the crib look??LOL

Lynette said...

Oh my! I just found your blog through Blogher. I'm laughing until I have tears in my eyes. Of course I can laugh because I've been there done that. Many many times over!
I'm adding you to my bloglines- look forward to "getting to know" your family!

Mickey said...

Every parent has some fun shit stories. We need to document them very well in order to use them to embarrass our little ones once they get older. :)

s(b.) said...

That's awesome! lol. landed here via your diaper bag review. big love from new york. thanks for being rockin' parents.

@welcomebalance (my blog is just my rambles on religion, not me, in general)

Anonymous said...

OMG! This was hilarious! Brings back memories of our first blow out too. Like many have said, you never forget the first one. Thanks for making me laugh!