Today wasn't the way I wanted to end my last 'official' day of work and start my paternity leave. As I pulled out of my road, I couldn't turn right onto the main street because our maintenance department had shut off the road because they were laying new culvert pipes (you got to give them credit... it was 7 a.m. and their day had already started). I was diverted to go around to the other side of the mountain to leave the community. No biggie. Only a 5-7 minute detour (just wait... the story gets better). Once I got out of the community, I came upon a wreck. A maroon mini-van had slammed into a silver Chrysler. I was driving slow as I saw the mother of the mini-van extract her stroller out of the back seat to bring it to her mothers (I'm guessing here) car. The police officer who was standing in the road - wearing bright orange - gets me to detour again. This took me about 10 minutes out of the way. Then, as I turned on Route 209, the township was working on a bridge and had shut down one of the lanes. Yep... you guessed it. Another 15 minute delay.
To recap this part of my day: an additional 35 minutes in PA.
Once in NJ, I hit my emergency flashers as me (and all the cars around me) came around the corner at exit 16 to see an 18 wheeler that over-turned. One lane open and 30 minutes to go the 1 mile past the accident. No sooner am I at the accident do I see a puff of black smoke up ahead of me... The fire department, EMS and police leave scene 1 to head to scene 2. A white van hit another car and the van caught on fire.
To recap this part of my day: an additional 65 minutes in NJ. 3hrs 40min to get to work. Ugh.
[work was work... except I just found out that my nutty co-workers swiped my camera when I wasn't looking and took photos of the storage room, offices, conference rooms, parking lot, name plates, etc so I wouldn't forget them over the next couple of weeks - I'm just saying, if they have this much time on their hands, they BETTER make goal]
On my way home, I was planning on stopping at Babies R Us to pick up a glider chair. Traffic is horrible so I call my co-workers to tell them to avoid Route 80. 45 minutes later I'm at my destination. There was another car fire in the parking lot in front of Lowe's in the shopping center (please tell me these are not signs of the Apocalypse). Once I got into the store, finding an associate to help me was going to become more difficult than getting into work this morning. Four guys were in the corner of the store throwing around a ball. They then saw me in the furniture department and decided to take their little game into the stockroom (umm... hello. I need help here). So I waited a few minutes and none of them came out. Nothing. Nadda. So I got to the front of the store and ask them to page someone.
Finally Collin comes out. I show him the glider chair I want and get a "It's out of stock, but I can order one for you". I go to option number 2 and get, "It's out of stock, but I can order one for you". Okay... lets try door number 3 - "It's out of stock, but I can order one for you". Now I'm looking around for the candid camera that HAS to be focusing in on me. "Can you tell me what chairs you do have in stock?" "Well, we don't have anything in. These are our displays but we can get one here in 7-10 days if you'd like" As I tell him no thanks, he informs me that he can check in the system of the other stores and see what they have. He tells me they have the one I want in East Hanover. Great. "Can you just call them and ask them to hold it for me, please." I'm glad I asked this because the system showed an error. East Hanover was also out of the glider, as was was Totowa and Whitehall stores, but after 40 minutes of calling the stores and being put on hold while they checked their storage rooms, he found one at Bridgewater. Out of that store and on to Route 206 I go.
To recap this part of my day: 45 minute delay to get to the store and 1 hour in Babies R Us and I walk out with nothing - and heading 30 miles in the opposite direction of home.
I get to Bridgewater 50 minutes later and at the exit I need, another wreck. OMG!
I finally get onto the store and finding help in this location is going to be just as bad as in the other store. The store manager comes by and I tell him (as I'm standing in front of the glider model), "I have this chair on hold. Your Flanders store called in about an hour ago." 10 minutes later, Dan comes out of the stockroom with a box. "here you go sir". "I just want to confirm that it's the espresso wood chair with the cream fabric." "Yes sir it is." I go to the front to check out and am told that the coupon that I have isn't valid until tomorrow. Thank God Dan is still there and sees that I'm about to lose it and gives me the discount. (Thanks, Dan)
Glider is in the car and I make 2 quick stops: Home Depot for a curtain rod and a light dimmer and to Macy's for a humidifier. No humidifiers at Macy's and I only pick of the light dimmer at Home Depot. Okay... I'll stop at Wal-Mart of the way home to get a rod.
It's now 9:30 pm and I'm finally headed home. I'll be home by 11 :(
I'm listening to Derek and Romaine on SiruisXM and I'm tired and cranky. Then, something amazing happens. My friends end their show with a sing-a-long. A huge smile begins to form on my face when I think, all around America there are tens of thousand of us in the LGBT world in our cars or at home singing MY FAVORITE Christmas song. Come and sing along with me:
Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair. Maybe I'll move somewhere. Maybe I'll get a car. Maybe I'll drive so far. They'll all lose track (but) Me, I'll be just...
Fine and Dandy. Lord it's like a hard candy christmas. I'm barely getting through tomorrow. But still I won't let, Sorrow bring me way down.
[Btw, I get home and find out that they gave me the wrong glider... but you know what? I'll be just "Fine and Dandy"!]